Personal Bereavement Analysis

Participants in my bereavement support group are often offended and outraged by the so- called insensitive things that people say to the bereaved. One lady was so upset because somebody told her that she could still find a new husband, as she was still young. Another lady was outraged because her decision to keep the ashes of her husband on the coffee table in the house was considered by others as, disgusting

There is a list of things that one should not say to the bereaved such as, “He is in a better place,” (It is a cliché),“It was God’s will,” (You don’t know that),“I know exactly how you feel,”(You have no clue) “Thank God you have other children.”(Condescending).

While you can make sure that you don’t say these things to a bereaved, what

You are most likely harboring an ego the size of Mount Everest. You are letting outside stimuli control your reactions instead of allowing your inside radar to regulate and respond to the stimuli presented. You are letting others control your mood and whack at your life, while feeling like a victim or acting like a bully. You are letting others’ ignorance become your insomnia others’ baggage your burden. This is no way to live in a world, where you have very little control over what is going to happen in the next moment, or how someone is going to act towards you or around

The husband expects the wife to make him happy. You have heard the saying that marriage is 50-50. I don 't believe in that formula, which implies that unless each spouse comes up with the 50 percent, the marriage is never a hundred percent. That is a lot of pressure. What if the other spouse doesn 't come up with the 50 percent? The formula also implies that one has to be only 50 percent well, physically, mentally and spiritually because the other partner will fill the gap and make up for what is lacking. We cannot build a healthy marriage on such a formula. I believe that marriage should be built on a 100-100 formula. Each partner should shoot for a hundred, because even if one partner fails some days, you still have a hundred.

That is why early on, I made a choice in my marriage. I try to live by the following philosophy: Demand nothing, expect nothing and hope for everything. I was inspired by St. Francis who said: Blessed is he that expects nothing, for he shall enjoy everything. This philosophy has best chance of working only if both partners believe in the 100-100 formula; otherwise there is the risk of one partner taking advantage of the goodness of the other. That is why it takes two grown-ups to make a marriage