Enduring Love Dialectical Journal

But Cas doesn't. He remains as sweet and caring as always. He asks Dean if he wants Sam or his parents or other friends to visit him. But Dean shakes his head. He doesn't want them to see him like this. His eyes are reddened all the time, his once muscular body became lean and scraggy. He doesn't have the energy to eat properly and it shows. There are dark shadows under his eyes that are no longer shining, but dull and empty. Just like Dean's mind.

He lies in the dark and empty room, captured in a vortex of guilt and shame. If Cas knew about his feelings he wouldn't leave Dean's side for a second. But Dean wants this. He deserves this. He knows it's what is left of Alistair's manipulation, but Dean can't fight it. There are days he wants do

We...we used to play Croatoan on Thursdays,” he stutters.

“Yes, of course,” Cas says quickly after a surprised moment of silence. He gives Dean a smile, “What about Sam? Do you wa-”

“No,” Dean says harshly, “not Sam.”

“Are you sure?” Cas asks.

“Yes, I am. Not Sam,” Dean growls. He can't meet Sam or his parents. He is still too ashamed. He knows that they don't blame him, that they are worried about him. But he can't meet them.

Usually Cas would stop and let Dean be, but today he doesn't.

“He is your brother,” he snaps back, “and he wants to see you.”

“Well I don't want to see him.”

“Dean!”

Dean wants to laugh. It's the first time that Cas is pissed off. It's the first time he pushed Dean and didn't treat him like a precious, little flower. It's the first normal interaction they had in months. Of course Dean is still grateful that Cas asks before he touches Dean and that he doesn't push him. Dean still suffers through PTSD, but for the first time he feels human again. Feels alive. It's weird and he knows it. Getting yelled at shouldn't make him happy, but for a second it's like Alistair never happened.

Cas still glares at him, he doesn't turn pale and hurries to apologize. And it's so