My Personal Identity

Just like everyone else in the world, my identity has been shaped by my upbringing, my interactions with others, and how I dealt with the first two. My sexual self is no different.
Nudity
In my house, female nudity, and male semi-nudity (e.g. my dad walking around in an untied bathrobe) are the norm. As far back as I can remember, my mother has flitted around the house naked as the day she was born. My sister and I followed in her footsteps. I vividly remember lounging around on the couch naked with my sister and my mom, without giving it a second thought.
My first memory of being ashamed of my nudity was when I was probably four or so. Every Monday, I went over to my grandparents and spent the night so my parents could have the house to themselves

Sometimes, it’s worse than other, depending on where I masturbate, what I masturbate to (e.g. fantasies in my head, fiction online, or video-based porn), and what tools I use. In the end, I mostly just feel satisfied.
I’m still not completely comfortable with my body or my sexual urges, but I’d rather take care of business myself than go out and try to accomplish anything with a partner. I’m a very socially-awkward virgin, in the midst of my first relationship, in which we both have a long way to go before we do any intimate activities together. I’m perfectly happy taking care of my own needs, and I no longer feel ashamed about it.
Heterosexual Intercourse Once, I caught our dogs having sex. I asked my mom what was happening, and she sat me down and gave me the sex talk. At three years old. Later, I asked what a boob was, and I got the sex talk again, this time probably at six.
I remember being horrified both times, although that was probably my age talking. During the latter sex talk, I told my mom that sex was disgusting, and that I was never going to touch a penis. She laughed and told me that she’d said the same thing as a

I acknowledge my human desires to be in physical contact with others, and I’m relearning how to be close to people. I hug my friends, I cuddle with my mom and sister on the couch at home, and I can casually lean against people without feeling like I’m being burned. The more I’m around people, the more I crave hearing and seeing them; I’m constantly looking forward to hearing and seeing my friends and my current partner.
Although I’m getting better, I still have a long way to go. Because I suffered from such a negative body image for most of my life, I developed extremely unhealthy ways of dealing with them. Some of these ways manifested in twisted fantasies, in which I wanted to be hurt, to be punished, for being so disgusting and undesirable. I know BDSM, and related practices, can be a healthy part of an adult’s sex life, but what I was practicing in my head was extremely dark and twisted; all BDSM without the safe words, fail safes, or aftercare.
For the most part, the way I practice sensuality today is healthy, or progressing towards being healthier, but I still have some dark recesses of my mind to look into and deal