Goblin Research Paper

I don’t do it for the gold. I always mine enough gold, more than my goblin people or I will ever need. I do it to do it. Dungeons and bases are my art form and more than half my dungeons keep out those pesky humans, believe me. Some adventurers die to spike traps at the entrance. Others make it to the pendulum blades. Almost none make it all the way to my treasure room—that is rare. Few do and fewer leave with any gold in their dirty pockets. I zap them and I crush them. I boil them and I skin them alive. That’s how I get my kicks—I dance to their screams and my bunions sing to the tune of their joy.

But there comes a time in every goblin chieftain’s life when those meddling humans find a flaw in his dungeon and it all comes crashing down.

The damn dirty human’s sword slices through my neck and my throne room fizzes black. An alert pops up in my gobliny interface.

You have died! The gods are pleased with your work and have granted you a reincarnation!

As I said, I am the best in the business. The gods are always pleased with my work. They couldn’t be anything but pleased judging from how the simpletons—I mean other dungeon masters—design their bases. It’s tragic, really, that I have to put up with the others feeding the humans countless resources and gold. Not just the goblins, but the orcs, the undead, and even the dragonkin too. They are lucky to have me and my dungeons otherwise they would’ve been wiped out by now. Their designs are all predictable and bland.

A Maze? Everyone knows mazes get mapped by day two and they’re far too resource intensive. Who wants to waste all that stone and wood on those walls? Only simpletons do. Terrible. Totally terrible, a complete waste. Half the time a steam engine just mows the thing down. I’ve learned my fair share of lessons here. Trust

Better I must say. And I do like a good castle when I see one but almost none are decent. None are up to my standards, and I have the highest standards. It’s only natural being me, Gobbo Grump the goblin Dungeon Master. And unlike what my name suggests or those humans say, I am not grumpy. Far from it! In fact, the exact opposite. I am the most cheerful goblin in all of Gliozinica. That name is a mouthful and does not roll off my tongue very easily. I doubt you could say it ten times as fast as I can. Gliozinica. Gliozinica. Glioniciz— You know what I mean. I’m the most cheerful goblin Dungeon Master of them all.

Back to my original point. Dungeons and bases need to be designed creatively, beautifully, smartly… bigly. That last one is important. You don’t want your treasure and resources placed twenty meters away from the entrance. Some wizard would just swipe it with a telegrab. Now that would be an idiotic disaster and you would not be granted a reincarnation. Remember