Humorous Wedding Speech

PARIS

Give me the torch, boy. Go away and keep your distance. Put the torch out, so I won’t be seen. Hide under the trees over there. Make sure to listen so no one is coming through the graveyard. If you hear any one, whistle to me to signal that someone is approaching. Give me those flowers. Do as I say , go.

[ PAGE puts out torch and gives PARIS the flowers.]

PAGE

This place is creepy, I'm afraid to stand alone here in the graveyard, but I’ll take the risk tonight.

PARIS

(puts flowers at Juliet’s closed tomb) I’m spreading flowers over your bridal bed. Oh, Your canopy is dust and stones. I’ll water these flowers every night with water. Or, if I don’t do that, my nightly ceremony to remember you, will be to put flowers on your grave

Who could be walking around here tonight? Who’s ruining my ways of true love? It’s someone with a torch! I must in the dark for awhile.

[ PARIS hides. ROMEO and BALTHASAR enter ]

Hand me the pickaxe and the crowbar. Now, take this letter. Deliver it to my father in the morning. (he gives the letter) Give me the torch. I’m going to go down into this tomb to look at my wife's face one more time, but more importantly to take a precious ring from her finger. I must use the ring for urgent business. So go, get out of here. And if you get suspicious and return to peek on what i'm doing on what I’m doing, I swear I’ll tear you limb from limb and throw your body parts around this cemetery my plan, are wild and savage, and I am more fierce and unstoppable than a hungry tiger or the raging sea.

BALTHASAR

I’ll go, & I won’t interrupt.

You’ve eaten on the most precious girl on Earth, so now I’m going to force open your jaws and push more food into you. (ROMEO opens the tomb with tools)

PARIS

It’s that arrogant Montague who was banished. He’s the one who murdered my love’s cousin Tybalt, which caused Juliet the grief that they think killed her. And here he’s come to do something terrible and shameful to the dead . I’ll arrest him.Stop what you're doing! Horrible Montague! Would you pursue vengeance even beyond death? Condemned villain, I will soon arrest you. Come with me, you will have to die.

ROMEO

I must , which is why I came. Good and noble young man, don’t tempt me. Run from here and leave me alone. Think about the dead who are now here. Let them scare you, terrify you. Im telling you, young man, don’t make me so angry so that I have to add another sin to the ones I already have committed. So get out of here! I swear to God, I love you more than I love myself. For I’ve come here with weapons to use to hurt myself. Don’t stay here, go away.

PARIS

I don't care about your threats. I’m arresting you as a criminal.

ROMEO

Your really provoking me? Then let’s fight