Long Wannabe Analysis

WARNING: Long, wannabe-empowering tirade ahead.

I remember being eight years old and realizing that my stomach was not flat.

Following that epiphany (if you could call it that), the subject of my weight and appearance lingered in the back of my mind. The subtlest of things had the ability to trigger self-deprecating thoughts. Everything I did somehow allowed a vicious little voice in my head to tell me that I was fat and ugly, and everyone else was sure of this.

At age 9, I would ask a friend what her weight was, because she was skinny, and if our weights were the same, that meant I was okay.

At age 13, I decided that I looked better if I didn 't smile with my teeth visible, because that gave me a double chin. Unfortunately for me, I

I still obsess over the number that comes up on the scale. My stomach, thighs, and double chin still bother me. In my mind, my body is extremely distorted. Perhaps it doesn 't appear to other people like such, but it does to me.

However, my self-image has still improved drastically. One may assume that it 's because I feel comfortable in my body, but that 's not the case. Another may say that a "healthy" BMI (something I obsessively check even now) has given me the impression that I appear better to others.

I 'd say that the reason for this is because, following my weight loss, I 've felt better. Now, I feel prettier, as though I can wear certain things (recently, I 've only work camisoles with shirts that absolutely require it) and have certain pictures taken (see the attached pictures). I feel people are kinder to me, and that they don 't look down on me as I assumed

I realize now that I needed not lose weight for all this to happen; I needed to change my outlook on myself and the world and to know that me as a person could not be determined by my appearance. I 've since acknowledged that there are things that contribute to my humanity that far outweigh my physical attributes (pun intended).

I still struggle with my weight, and I imagine that I will struggle with my weight for quite some time. I can change my appearance; however, why focus on changing something to make me look better when I could focus on the attributes I have that can truly affect others.

Perhaps I am rambling. Perhaps no one will read this far, and perhaps those who do cannot fathom what my point is.

My point: appearance has the ability to dictate the oddest parts of your life, but once you can look past the things about yourself that you don 't like and focus on the things that you do, things will begin to look better. You will begin to look better.

I don 't know. Maybe I 'm just being insufferably positive. After years of being consumed by negativity, I believe I have the