Monologue About Suicide

Hi, I’m suicide postponer anon. I was not going to check my old post (I was afraid people would mock me if you posted it), but I’m sure glad I changed my mind. I started crying as I read all those notes (in a good way). Thank you all so much.

I created an account just to send you this. Note: this contains references to eating disorders, college, and self harm.

I’m eighteen years old. I’m the child of two highly educated, bright academics. I have several siblings in grad school at ivy league colleges. I love them, but I hate them, too, because I want to be like them and I don’t know if I can.

Here’s my biggest and most closely guarded secret: I’m stupid. I’m too stupid to go to college, too stupid to study what I’m interested in. Sometimes,

They were always there for me, as pathetic as that might sound, and I desperately needed someone to be there for me during my middle school years. In short: I was a loser. And like most losers, I was on the receiving end of other kids’ abuse. I came home in tears every day. School years are mostly a blur for me, but I can remember some things (lucky me). I remember kids moving away when I sat down. I remember working on projects by myself because no one would be my partner. I remember the teachers offering me crackers because I looked like I didn’t get enough to eat at home. I remember throwing up in dingy bathrooms till snot ran down my face and vessels in my eyes burst open. I wish I could

The X-Files became my own comforting little ritual. Mulder was down in the basement, a perpetual porn addict; Scully spent weekends holed up in her apartment and wrote monographs with titles like Diminished Acetylcholine Production in Recidivist Offenders. They weren’t cool in the strictest definition of the word, but they were heroic, and good, and that was enough. Mulder didn’t care that people called him spooky and made fun of his theories, so why should I?

I laughed when I saw that the title of the first episode was My Struggle. Don’t worry, Mulder and Scully. I 've struggled my whole life.

They’re one reason why I’m still here today and why I hope to be here in January.

I don’t expect or need you to respond to this, but it was cathartic for me to type it out. I’ve never told anyone all this. Thank you.

P.S. I should also add that my “pathetic” remark was only directed at me. I would NEVER think anyone else pathetic for postponing their suicide, no matter what the