She always wasn't very nice to me and I never wanted to take naps and when it was nap time I would sneak around and get in trouble. I always remember when my mom would drop me off there I would cry and cry and cry. I didn't like that place very much as you can probably tell by
I was starting to feel frustrated that maybe they didn 't like me, maybe they hate me cause I 'm just an ordinary girl, I 'm not the pretty one or the smart one. I wanted to go back to my old school so bad that every night I cried begging God to transfer me again to my old school again. I didn 't have anybody by my side for a week, I didn 't even tried to go eat at the cafeteria, I ate my food for a week in our room alone. I felt that I was in the middle of a crowded place but still I felt so alone. It felt like nobody even tried to be friends with me.
It had started in kindergarten when I had two friends. They both hated each other and so I was the one always in the middle. I decided to just not be friends with one because she was just so rude and nasty. I ended up becoming friends with the other and still even to this day. Since then, there has been little splotches of bullying each year, but this year is the worst.
Going to high school was never a great experience for me. The thought of waking up in the morning and going to six classes, everyday, for five days straight was overwhelming. Ever since I entered high school freshman year, I always had that voice in the back of my head saying, “Why come today, school is boring and useless.” Today was like any other day in my junior year and like always I was in a grumpy mood. I remember it being a Tuesday morning and having zero motivation to enter the class and “learn” something. People around me would always say how happy they were to be in school and ask me if I loved it to, and of course I would say yes in order to avoid an unpleasant explanation.
I groan at the sound of my alarm clock waking me up for the first day of school. I roll over in the bed and realize Pierson is not there. I begin to worry, but then I hear him in the kitchen. Since it's the first day of school, I want dress nice today so that I can disappointment my classmates by dressing like a garbage man for the rest of the year. I put on the yellow dress I wore to the wedding and pair of matching shoes.
I was constantly ridiculously too shy to socialize or interact with new people. It would take me for what felt like centuries to settle into a classroom and be somewhat comfortable with the class and teachers. Since it was the first day of school, I knew the dreadful introducing ourselves assignments were coming up. The bell rang, indicating the start of the first period. The students began to shuffle into class.
I have struggled with depression for as long as I can remember. When I look back to my childhood the only think that comes up is crying and taunting. Being an only child was difficult as there was no one to protect me from the endless comments about my appearance. This coupled with the fact that I am undocumented led me to hate myself, to the extent that I resorted to harming myself and even contemplating not being alive anymore. I developed an unhealthy view of myself and resorted to making myself puke after meals, to appease the taunting engrained in my mind.
Many old teachers in my school always flew off the handle when parents of my friends complained them what I treated with their children. The principal threatened to expel me from school many times, but this seemed meaningless to me. Day by day, I became an ‘abnormal’ child in my school, who everyone was afraid of. None of the students continued talking when catching sight of me by chance. In classes, the teachers often let me do whatever I wanted such as reading comic books or sleeping on condition that I didn’t make trouble for them.
Eventually I began making friends, but they did not bring me the same feelings of joy the others had, so I never allowed myself to be any closer to anyone. I would often spend the lunch period hiding in a bathroom stall crying, not because people had been mean to me or I had problems at home, I just felt so deeply unhappy with myself that I did not know how to deal with it. The sadness was then accompanied by numbness, and I finally thought of a way to deal with it. I started inflicting physical pain upon myself as a way to distract from the emotional turmoil I had been in for so long-- and it worked. Bringing pain upon myself cause me to not focus so much on what had been going on inside my head for so long, but unfortunately, this had not gone
That morning like all others she gave me the tightest hug, which at the time I didn’t know that would be the last hug I would ever get from her. Everything seemed off that day, looking back, but as always it is the calm before the storm. School seemed endless that day, knowing I was going to my best-friend’s house afterwards to play since my gram was not going to be home for me to go to her house. After what