Ever been tested by people, well if you have you would know how that feels. I was tested twice, once by kids at my school and the other by someone (who I want to keep their identity to myself because of personal reasons), and these are people who I thought cared about me but not as much as I thought. The thing that really got to me was what they all said because when I was ten (in my mind I can replay that day like it was just yesterday) the kids told me “you are not worth anything, you will never be anything in your life, why are you still trying to be something that you will never become you are just wasting your time.” About 1-2 months ago the other person told me “you are not worth anything why do you even try it’s not like you can accomplish
As I soon realized, with the glare of my mother and a disapproving father, they believed to have a child so young sealed my fate. They probably thought I would never return to school and work a minimum wage job the rest of my life. This is when I first began believing failure is not an option, I must work harder and do better to prove to my parents I will have a better future for my son and me. As my beliefs were tested as I transitioned from college to home at five months pregnant, needing to find a full-time job so I could afford becoming a mother. I was consistently rejected during my job search, until I was approximately seven months pregnant.
A big obstacle in my life was when my parents divorced. I wasn’t like my other sisters who wanted to live with just one parent, I wanted to live with both. I overcame this by just spending one week at a time with one parent and then it worked out. I thought everything was okay until my Mom decided she was going to move to a different town. I did not want to have to choose where to go by just picking one parent over the other so the best thing that I thought that I could do was list all the pros and cons of living with each parent and there was more pros to living with my Dad just because I was already settled in that town so I thought it would be better.
I say one day because my identity is very fluid due to my young age and I have so much more to experience. My mother and father have raised me into the young man I am today and through this upbringing I believe most of the aspects of my self identity have developed. My compassion for those around me has not only come from my faith but my mother as well. She always stressed to never judge and have sympathy for those struggling in this world. This means those who struggle economically, socially, and emotionally.
Life is not life without obstacles standing in our way; obstacles are what make us a better or a worse person. In a college student’s life obstacles are an everyday thing because we do not only have to worry about school, but about our homes and jobs. Maybe our mother is sick and there is no one else to take care of her, so we have to stay and help her. My barriers are not something I can fix overnight, but I am trying. My father died when I was two years old, so my mom had to take care of my younger sister and me by herself.
It wasn 't my mother who needed to change the way she spoke, but it was me who needed to learn and relate respectively to my culture. Everything my mom is, is what I strive to be. Her patience, her compassion and her kind heart for such a stubborn daughter like me is what love is. Time, people and difference has made me forgotten about my mom who was raised in a different country with little opportunities. Although, I can never fully grasp half of the obstacles she faced when she was young, but I understood and supported the language barrier she faces today.
I said this because I’ve dreamt about helping and doing changes in my school but sometimes I just can do nothing because of the rules and the educational system. Even if I love my job, I’ve got discouraged for these reasons…What should I do? I’m not the wonder woman, should I resist even adversity? or join the enemy? Will I someday get the bravery of Elizabeth Eckford for defending my position?
She told me when it came time to apply for college that I was wasting my time and I wouldn’t get in. After getting accepted to Suny Morrisville and then to Suny Oneonta, I realized that no student planning his or her future should ever feel like I did. That is when I realized I wanted to be a school counselor.
I have consciously decided to be unstoppable in my quest to fulfill my dreams regardless of the obstacles that have presented themselves. I changed my mind about school and decided that I didn 't have to be a victim of my circumstances. My Mom has been ill all of my life and most of hers. She was not supposed to have been able to Carry a child or deliver one. Some of my family members took advantage of her condition and in the process, neglected and abused me.
At the parent-teacher meeting, she asked my teacher why I was constantly in trouble. The teacher could not come up with a good explanation, so my mother told her “My daughter doesn’t understand racism and you aren’t going to be the one to teach it to her.” Since then, I have been determined not to let people who want me to fail stand in my way. I know that the sad reality of our world is that this is extremely common. I could choose to use this an excuse to not try hard at the things I want in life. Instead, I choose to recognize that this is only a small hurdle if I work hard enough.
Honestly, being here made me wish a thousand times that I would’ve focused on being someone inspiring to young and older generations a long time ago. Before coming to Job Corps, I had days when I was so depressed, I just stop doing what was right and from that point on, the street was the only I saw myself. The family was my enemy, friends were no longer there, at least the ones I thought I had. I didn’t want to talk to anyone because I had nothing positive to say. I can honestly say my biggest mistake I made as youngster, was me giving up on school.
I had to snap out this mindset because it was taking me nowhere, I knew school would be my only escape so that I never had to experience this pain again. My only weakness was my own self doubt holding me back, If I truly wanted change I had to focus on myself and not the mistakes my mother had made. It took me awhile to get over this part of my life and start focusing on my future , I knew I had to make up for messing up my first two years of high school which resulted in such a low GPA. Although my GPA now isn 't the highest it could have been, I have since then received three honor roll certificates for having a 3.0 GPA for 3 different semesters. Pushing through this obstacle has motivated me to push to be successful.
At times I see myself with a sense of low self-esteem and shy at times. Which has becomes a struggle to overcome but has ensured to never raise my daughter in that type of environment. Growing up in a minority family no one believed that you would finish school and there was no need to finish school because to them to making a living you had to just start working at a young even if it meant dropping out of school. I believed in myself and completely value my own interest and goals, which pushed me to finish my nursing career. Which in present encourage me to have a strong belief to encourage my children to pursue her own interest, not those you think you should have.
I didn’t want to trapped inside myself anymore and didn’t want to be afraid of what the world could do to me. So I just decided not to. My first year was rough, I had a lot of bullies, they didn’t like that I was trans, they scared of me, and hated. I didn’t understand it and tried it alone, but it got nowhere. By sophomore year I had changed the way I did things, I built a support system, and I defeated what was keeping me down.
When school ended in June of 2015 I wanted to continue on to my senior with the rest of my classmates. I wanted to move on like nothing had happened but I knew deep in my heart that I was not prepared for my senior year. For a good time after the decision to repeat my junior year, I looked at it as a failure. I hold myself to high standards and I could I not believe that I would have this “blemish” on my record. I was angry at myself for even being depressed in the first place and I felt like I had failed the basic requirements of being a human being.