Olivia Monologue

Just another Angel
“Time is almost up girls, two minutes left to get your food down. Oh, and Angel, would you please roll up your sleeves.” Margaret's words reverberate through my head. I’m at the moment more concerned about the visiting hour than about the three fish fingers that are still left on my plate. I’m going to get a penalty if I don’t finish my meal, but it doesn’t bother me. All of my electronics are already taken away.
I know this will be the first time someone from school is going to see me in this eating disorder clinic. I feel myself horrible, probably because I am scared and really nervous. Olivia will arrive in about ten minutes, just before an occupational therapy group. The therapy will probably be interrupted again to have

She stares at me, not knowing what to say probably. I try to break the awkward situation by asking her: “Hi, how are you, Olivia?” She doesn’t answer my question. Instead, she takes a seat in the chair next to me. Her mouth is wide open and her eyes are starting to get a little wed.
“I feel so sorry for you” is the only thing she says.“Why do you feel sorry?” I can’t understand her reaction. She absolutely doesn’t have to feel sorry for me. “You look so incredibly thin and ill,” Olivia said it really quiet, almost whispering, but I heard it. “How can you possibly say that?! I’m not thin at all,” I almost shout to her.
Her response is a hard but simple question: “Don’t you see what you look like?” After a short but quiet period, she asks me: “Angel, why are you doing this to yourself? It is not like you’re more beautiful when you’re skinny. Nobody is perfect.”
I started to feel even more uncomfortable. She doesn’t see it. She doesn’t understand anything about it, and she will presumably never realize anything about this. “ You still don’t get it, do you?” I say. She opens her mouth, but she closes it when I continue

It is only in your head. You can stop it if you want. It is just a roll you’re playing for attention and that’s what I don’t like about you.” Wait, what did Olivia just said? That takes the biscuit! “I’m not doing it for attention. When I asked you how I looked, I wasn’t looking for compliments! I just wanted reassurance that what I saw in the mirror wasn’t real!”
This conversation is making me sad and angry at the same time.

“Angel I’m leaving, I have enough of this useless quarrel. Have a nice life.” Olivia stands up and walks to the door. With big, determined steps, she leaves me behind. She does not bother to look back and then I’m finally alone again. It feels free, but I don't know if I should be happy with this feeling.
Why can’t Olivia understand me? I don’t want to have anorexia. It’s not only making me starve my body. It is also starving my happiness as well.

I think I realize for the first time that anorexia is not benefiting me at all. I have held on to this illness for years and years. I’ve said many times to many people I was trying to recover, but secretly I always continued starving. I was always too afraid to lose the control. Olivia was wrong, it wasn’t my choice to get an eating disorder. But I can make the choice to get better. I can make the choice to leave behind the ‘control-thing’. I feel my motivation and strength growing to go on with the treatment. I can make the choice to