Creative Writing: Tsering Lama

Tsering Lama

Personal Essay I call it the worst spring break of my life, my heart was empty as if someone had drilled a hole into my heart. I felt like my body was running out of oxygen as I was struggling to breathe in my own room. I remember I was never so furious towards my dad beside that day when he told me that I will never get to see her again. I pressed the red button as fast as I could to end the call and threw my phone away. I stepped down from my bed, grasping on the linen until I could feel my nails digging through that sheet, trying to recall everything he had told me. I don’t remember the number of times I murmured to myself that, “it's a lie, it’s a lie, it's all a lie. Why was he so senseless?” I could not believe

She always enjoyed attending Buddhist pilgrimage trips every year, which is why I wanted to spend my graduating year with her on a special trip. I reminisce the last time we made a trip to India when I was eleven. I held her hand so tight in the fear of losing her in the crowd to get blessings from the Bodhi Tree where Buddha enlightened. When we reached next to the tree she told me to pray and ask for something. I remember closing my eyes so tight and placing my palms together towards my heart (namaskara mudra) trying to divine his picture in my mind to form a connection with him. When I opened my eyes, I was no longer beside her and I was in my room with the white wall staring back at me. I realized my plan was behind time and my grandma had already caught the flight that never will

I saw my dad pushing his baggage trolley and he had a small red box in his other hand. My brother and I knew it was the ashes of her in that box and we both didn't dare to touch it because it was significant for him and our family. I hugged him for a while, but it didn't feel the same and it was the first time when he didn’t have a smile after seeing us from a trip. When we stepped out of the airport, the bright sun ray hits our face and I turn towards my dad to escape the light until I noticed he has grown more wrinkles and deeper facial lines. It never arose to me that there will be a day that I would have to comfort my dad for her loss. I remember my father telling me, that all he ever wants from his life is to be with his mother to take care of her. Everyone in our family thought that my father took good care of her when she was alive and even after she left. However, deep down I knew that he was never satisfied with the extent of care and love that he was able to give her, but I never let these words out. It is moderately true in most family’s cases because the children get married and they have their own family responsibilities and the responsibilities towards the old parents starts to fade in the process of making a new