Pia Mellody's Dysfunctioning Behavior?

Children from dysfunctional families have very difficult behaviour to predict. About the only thing that you can predict is that their behaviour is extreme. There is nothing much moderate about them. Pia Mellody presents the best model for these kids. She divides the behaviour into five categories. These are the characteristics of esteem, dependency, reality, vulnerability and moderation. The children take positions in these categories on the extremes.

For mature, functioning adults the above issues are dealt with a sense of moderation. A functioning adult has healthy esteem; they don’t think they are better than or worse than anyone else. They realise they are individuals who are precious and cannot in anyway be compared to others.

If they are teenagers they act like teenagers. If they are forty they act like forty year olds. Sometimes they kick their heels up and have a “teenage” good time but only in moderation.

However, these issues are a clue in discovering the dysfunctioning behaviour of others. These issues are discussed below.

Esteem
This is an experience of feeling less than or better than others. People who have very low self-esteem suffer from a wounded core. They think they are worthless - that everyone is better and more valuable. They cannot see the point in trying.

To hide this some will put up ‘the wall’, they must present as ‘better than’. Remember to be good you have to be perfect. These people will present as those who think that everyone is there for their benefit. They are the only ones who matter and the world owes then. They know what is best.

Both characteristics make it difficult for these people to have functioning relationships with others. Without walls who could love me, so why try. If they have walls they can’t really share their secrets with their partner. If they find out about their humanity they will leave you. So stay safe, behind the wall.

At one extreme, the children are obviously in trouble. You witness behaviour that is extremely rebellious or “bad”. These are the delinquents I deal with. They act in such a way as to confirm to the world their flaws and imperfections. These people are a constant menace to society and are forever in trouble with the law. Their actions draw attention to their beliefs about themselves.

The other extreme is the people who strive to be good or perfect. They live in constant fear of others discovering ‘what they already know’ that they are frauds, failures. Often these people are the pillars of society. Yet it is just this behaviour that is at the root of our mid-life crisis. To maintain this stance takes so much energy. At about forty the opportunities and the effort diminish and their world tumbles down around them.

Moderation
Finally there is the issue of moderation. For some of these people they remain in a constant state of confusion. They are totally ‘out of control’. Their behaviour is childish, often chaotic. Because they have developed their adaptive behaviours in an unpredictable environment they have no rules to live by. They never gain a sense of choice in the behaviours they use to get their needs