Reflection About Gender Identity
Up until around the age of nine, I had somehow lived a life where the idea of gendered differences between men and women floated only vaguely on the periphery of my developing mind. This all changed one fateful day in fourth grade, when what I wanted most in the world was to climb a plastic rock on a local playground. I’d tried to scale this boulder, only to have a group of boys already present on it, rear up above me, and threaten to push me off. When I asked why, they had only sneered back three words.
“No girls allowed.”
This one moment would be the catalyst for several years of increasing awareness and stress regarding gender norms and a long-lasting struggle to present my own gender identity in a way that I could comfortable with. It began in the last few years of elementary school, when I first attempted the performance of any kind of gender.
Before then, my “doing” of gender was pretty much completely unregulated. As much as I can remember, my parents—both first generation immigrants from China—didn’t punish or encourage activities coded as “feminine” or “masculine,” and mostly insisted on pursuits that would foster a love of education and a strong work ethic. As a result, I spent my early childhood alternating between being princess and knight, toy dinosaurs and Barbies, ice skating and basketball, the list goes on. My friends seemed similarly nonchalant about gender norms, and I was close with both boys and girls, getting “married” during recess to both my male
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