Coming from a gay guy who came out gay at a young age would like to share the best memory and decision I made. When I came out I was nervous and scared on some level. The reason I say this is because not knowing how people will react to you coming out. Which in my opinion it shouldn’t be scary. But yes looking at our society that has been shaped for many of years, it still is a barrier to come out.
She was gone, and I had no one by my side that I felt confident enough to share with. After a little while I started doing absolutely miserably in school, lying to my mom so much, that after a certain amount of time, my teacher called her and told her everything. My mom was so shocked that she could not believe it, my lies lasted for probably about a year and after sometime she has of course forgiven me, but I was all alone through all of this again. I felt so lonely and broken that……I wanted to end my life. I went to the extent of writing a good bye note, many times, but I always stopped myself, believing and on some level knowing that I had to fight and that I had to live at least for my mom, because she does for me.
As I sat there for two days, I wondered what the house was going to look like, what the neighbors would be like, and how the schools were. I never had to think of these things before. Two days later, my parents came and picked me up. On the way to my new home, my parents explained that it was not like the house we previously lived in. That statement scared me because I did not want to live in a smaller house nor did I want to share a room with either of my sisters.
This past year has been one of the hardest years because, its senior year and college is around the corner. I have been multitasking with school, sports, planning my immense college move, making sure I do outstanding on my college placement test and, all in a matter of not burning myself out. I kept letting myself down and continuously telling myself that I can’t do it. Recently I just got out of my first relationship with the person I would consider to be my first love. I suddenly felt heartbroken and depressed in a way where I wanted to give up in school and felt as if I had no value to my life because, once again I put all the pressure and faults towards myself.
When I was a young age, I was always was playing and enjoying being young, because I knew it would once come to an end. I mean there are some positive things about being an adult but there is also many negative things about being an adult. When I was young, I just wanted to grow up and be eighteen years old. Everyday, I would tell my parents that once I turn eighteen that I was moving out and living on my own. Well, realistic that did not happen, because I am twenty-one and I am still living at home.
I couldn’t live without them, but both also had problems of their own; And being the person I am, instead of helping myself out first, I let my depression get worse and worse in exchange of helping them. I was happy of the fact that I was doing some part in them getting better in someway. I didn’t want to repeat what i felt like I did to my other friend. After a while I got to the point where I had to go to a therapist because I couldn’t handle the pain. I ended up telling my mom I needed a therapist and she got worried.
It can be confusing and frustrating. It 's the where you have to deal and cope with the most changes in your life. Everything is changing both physically and emotionally and yet you are thrust in to the most intense situations of your young life, discovering heartbreak, anxiety, low self-esteem and peer pressure along the way. We all have our tough times. Everyone goes through something, but being a teenager, that’s when you feel everything at once.
I constantly felt alone in my thoughts and the way it reflected on my behavior. I kept to myself way more than kids my age usually did. I had to learn to grow up fast due to my setting I grew up in. It didn’t really help my emotions that I was incredibly shy and absolutely despised putting myself out for people to notice. “Maybe you wouldn’t feel all sad and alone if you tried to make new friends at school,” mumbled my Mom.
I remember those nights we used to stay up late and plan our futures of living in New York and working for a fashion magazine that only me and her knew. We also used to talk about plotting revenge on our other siblings. Looking back on these moments with my sister make me realise the true friendship we had. I have now realized that having a sister can be somewhat of an annoyance, for instance I can remember all the times my sister has made fun of me and manipulated me as we were growing up. But then again whose sister hasn’t done that to them?
And everytime I looked out of something high, I would remember those tragic moments. But one day, I decided to overcome my fear because if you don’t overcome those fears, they will take over your life and control it. I also felt like facing your fears is the best way to make them disappear. So from that day on, I promised myself that I would do anything to overcome my fears. Whenever I was at the top of a tall building, I would purposely look down.